So I took the dogs down to pee and one the way up in the elevator someone got on with their laundry. I pull the dogs close to me because Honey likes to size up anyone within petting distance to determine if they will pet her. She does this by shoving her nose in their crotch.
So I pull the dogs in and lean up against the elevator wall. It has one of those handrails really low to the ground, like at thigh level. And what the hell are those for anyway? Are people sitting in the elevator? Are really short people having trouble moving from the back of the elevator to the front of the elevator? Why the fuck are there handrails in the elevator?
So I lean up against the handrail and it shifts. And when it shifts, it squeaks. And by squeaks, I mean it farts. The handrail farted. Right where I put my ass on it.
So you remember that SNL skit where Roseanne Roseannadanna tells that story where her chair farted in an interview, so she tries to skootch the chair around so it farts again and she can’t get it to make another noise? So now she’s not only the girl who farted in the interview, but she’s also the girl who scooted the chair all over the room like a weirdo?
Well, I tried to shift the bar again. With my ass, of course. And it wouldn’t make a peep. So I try a little harder. I do this by rubbing my ass up and down on the handrail in front of a stranger who’s just trying to do his laundry in peace. And it did not make a sound. So now I have apparently farted and rubbed it into the handrail of a public elevator.
It’s at this point I tried to cut my losses. I think to myself, “Well, I can’t very well keep staring at the ground like a freak, can I? Cuz then I would totally look like an anti-social weirdo who thinks it’s ok to fart in the elevator.” So I look up at him and try to smile politely.
And that is when I realize that now I am the girl who farted, rubbed it in, and was damn proud of it.
So I pretty much gave up and stared at the buttons for the rest of the ride up.
2 comments:
I read this one when i first posted it and then laughed so hard i snorted wine out my nose and forwarded it to my boyfriend, via an AIM link because although we were yes, in the same house, we were both on seperate computers because we are lame and that's what we do. He also laughed, but i'm not sure if he snorted wine out his nose. I can't believe i didn't comment before. Sorry.
It was totally worth the wait.
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